On former Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush:
That a former owner whose team once traded Sammy Sosa could rise to the most powerful office in the world is rather extraordinary given that fans generally lump team owners somewhere below child pornographers and just above telephone solicitors and local cable company directors.
On being a Major League Baseball umpire:
This must be the only job in America that everybody knows how to do better than the guy who’s doing it.
1922 — 1982
I’m a finesse pitcher without the finesse.
If practice makes perfect, and no one’s perfect, then why practice?
The Good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a good right arm, and a weak mind.
1910 — 1974
Not many people talk to you when you’re hitting .195.
One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.
The two most important things in life: good friends and a strong bullpen.
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
1924 — 2003
The bowling alley is the poor man’s country club.
It’s not the winning that counts, nor the taking part; it’s making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last.
Everybody says a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess it’s better than kissing your brother.
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.
Franklin P. Jones
1853 — 1935
I’ll never be considered one of the all-time greats; maybe not even one of the all-time goods. But I’m one of the all-time survivors.
If you listen to the guys up in the stands, pretty soon you’ll be up there sitting with them.
After the Phillies scored eight runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to win a game:
We’re losing by eight runs, and all I’m thinking about at that point is getting back to the hotel by midnight because that’s when room service closes. All of a sudden we start getting hits and more hits, and I’m saying, “I’m not going to make it.” If you’re not going to get room service you might as well win.
Baseball is a kids’ game that grown-ups only tried to screw up.
1920 — 2000
After her grandson Len Barker pitched a perfect game in 1981:
Tell Len I’ve very proud of him. I hope he does better next time.
A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.
I try for good players and I try for good character. If necessary, though, I settle for the good player.