Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository
Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 81 through 100 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

Christmas is a time when everyone wants his past forgotten and the present remembered!

Unknown

After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.

Unknown

It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.

Unknown

Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

Unknown

Two heads are better than one. Unless they’re on the same body.

Unknown

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.

Unknown

I must be wishing on someone else’s star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

Unknown

It is not enough that I succeed. Others must fail.

Unknown

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an orange.

Unknown

Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.

Unknown

To err is human; to pass air is also human.

Unknown

Does a kangaroo get irritated when its baby eats his crackers in bed?

Unknown

Metallurgy: the study of how to keep people from being allergic to metals.

Unknown

There’s not enough sax and violins on television.

Unknown

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

Unknown

Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.

R. E. Shay

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Johnny Carson
1925 — 2005

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals; you will run out.

Mitch Hedberg
1968 — 2005

If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands and push them closer.

Lewis Black
1948 —     

Showing quotes 81 through 100 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.