Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository
Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 61 through 80 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.

MAD Magazine

If you lend someone an ear, don’t expect to be repaid with interest.

MAD Magazine

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Clarence Darrow
1857 — 1938

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.

Mendosa

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Frieda Norris

People that live in glass houses should dress in the basement.

Austin Overstreet

My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Emo Phillips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Emo Phillips

My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Pablo Picasso
1881 — 1973

Selected as the most confusing public statement of 2003 by Britain's Plain English Campaign:

Reports that say something hasn’t happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don’t know we don’t know.

Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
1932 —     

If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully throughout the entire catalogue.

Sears & Roebuck Catalog

If you go back in time, don’t step on anything.

“The Simpsons”

If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?

“The Simpsons”

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright
1955 —     

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Steven Wright
1955 —     

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright
1955 —     

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

Steven Wright
1955 —     

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

Steven Wright
1955 —     

After Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced:

It proves no man can be a success in two national pastimes.

Oscar Levant
1906 — 1972

You are unique, just like everyone else.

Unknown

Showing quotes 61 through 80 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.