A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.
If you lend someone an ear, don’t expect to be repaid with interest.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
1857 — 1938
Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
People that live in glass houses should dress in the basement.
My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
My mother said to me, If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope. Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
1881 — 1973
Selected as the most confusing public statement of 2003 by Britain's Plain English Campaign:
Reports that say something hasn’t happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don’t know we don’t know.
If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully throughout the entire catalogue.
If you go back in time, don’t step on anything.
If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
After Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced:
It proves no man can be a success in two national pastimes.
1906 — 1972
You are unique, just like everyone else.