Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository
Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 41 through 60 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a guy is lucky to get out of it alive.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then quit. No sense being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

I am free of all prejudice; I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

If there is no God then who has placed a pox on me and mocks me every day?

Dan Castellaneta
1958 —     

If it weren’t for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Mayor Marion Barry
1936 —     

I am going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Jerome Bettis
1972 —     

Remember, I taught Bill and Hillary Clinton when they were at Yale. Let me rephrase that. Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the room when I was teaching at Yale.

Judge Robert H. Bork
1927 — 2012

I’m asking for your vote. For those of you for me, thanks for your help. For those of you for my opponent, please only vote once.

President George W. Bush
1946 —     

Presidential Debate
October 17, 2000

People often say, “Why me?” I say, “Why not me?”

Michael Butler

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

Salvador Dalí
1904 — 1989

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.

Ron Fairly
1938 —     

I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.

Richard P. Feynman
1918 — 1988

How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?

Firesign Theatre

Before being executed in Oklahoma's electric chair:

How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? French fries.

James French
1936 — 1966

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

1947 —     

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.

Moses Hadas
0 — 1966

It’s not the winning that counts, nor the taking part; it’s making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last.

Matthew Hansen

A friend in need is a pest.

Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
1944 —     

Showing quotes 41 through 60 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.