Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository
Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 21 through 40 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Mark Twain
1835 — 1910

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain
1835 — 1910

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Oscar Wilde
1854 — 1900

Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.

P. J. O’Rourke
1947 —     

After winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1993:

My thanks to the Academy for the very finest, greatest award that any actor can ever receive. The only thing a man can say at a time like this is -- I am not really bald.

Tommy Lee Jones
1946 —     

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams
1952 — 2001

Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this.

Jack Kerouac
1922 — 1969

Close doesn’t count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Frank Robinson
1935 —     

Once I realized how expensive funerals are, I began to exercise and watch my diet.

Thomas Sowell
1930 —     

Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?

Lily Tomlin
1939 —     

Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don’t have to be good at them to enjoy them.

Senator Barry Goldwater
1909 — 1998

I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I’ll be at the airport.

Charles M. Schulz
1922 — 2000

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

Charles M. Schulz
1922 — 2000

On heart valve surgery:

It’s no piece of cake, but it sure beats listening to Ted Kennedy on the Senate floor.

Senator Jesse Helms
1921 — 2008

On November 3, 1998, when Jesse Ventura was elected Governor of Minnesota:

The people of Washington could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping across the midwestern prairie on the back of a hippopotamus.

Dan Rather
1931 —     

The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them -- sometimes three.

Alexandre Dumas
1802 — 1870

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.

Bill “The Spaceman” Lee
1946 —     

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

Samuel Goldwyn
1882 — 1974

Color television? Bah, I won’t believe it until I see it in black and white.

Samuel Goldwyn
1882 — 1974

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946

Showing quotes 21 through 40 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.