Funny Quotes - Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository

Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he would turn over in his grave.

Discussing his quadruple-bypass operation in the midst of the 2004 Presidential campaign:

Republicans aren’t the only ones that want four more years.

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

I’m lost but I’m making good time.

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.

You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin
1937 — 2008

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin
1937 — 2008

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin
1937 — 2008

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977

Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977

Any man who can see through a woman is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain
1835 — 1910

Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.